Over the last year, I’ve started to write this at least half a dozen times. But I always ended up over thinking what I wanted to say and then thinking why do I want to say anything in the first place and ultimately saving this as a draft and moving on to the next task. Eventually just letting my blog fall to the wayside. . . I think it’s appropriate though, that my last post on here was about Bella Luce and the beginning of me recognizing that as a sacred echo meant to encourage me and remind me that “happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light”
Over the last few weeks, there has been so much happening to remind me of where I was this time last year. Where I was emotionally, where I was physically, where I was spiritually. . .
For those of you who do life with me every day know how dark 2016 was – for a lot of you, it was dark too. We all go through seasons of life – periods of time full of planting seeds, cultivating relationships, cultivating strengths… periods of time full of reaping the harvest of all the things we’ve sown, celebrating, or basking in the glory of all our hard work…. And periods of time full of darkness and questions, seemingly unending beat down after beat down, and days wondering what next? When am I going to catch a break? 2016 was the latter for me. Let me be clear though, I know it could have been worse. I know there were people in the world who 2016 was just another year added to a long list of dark years and at the time that weighed on my heart just as heavily as everything else did.
On January 20th of last year, I began on a pilgrimage although; I didn’t exactly know it at the time. I had been out of sorts and not my normal self after having returned to New York from Christmas in Texas, I was tired from everything, indifferent to everyone. Worse than that, I couldn’t bring myself to share it with anyone. Even still, there were little seeds of sacred echoes being planted in my everyday conversations and activities that would later grow into wholly holy affirmations of the steps I needed to take to get myself on track.
On January 20th 2016 I left a friends apartment on the Upper West Side after being trapped by a blizzard and began to walk across Central Park for some “fresh air” and a view of the city covered blanketed in white. A song came on my ipod that I had never heard and I found myself clearing a space on bench at “The Mall” where I sat and listened to this song play on repeat in a trans for about half an hour before heading home with this feeling of excitement and energy and inspiration as if a fire and been lit inside me. That was the beginning (in some ways, anyway) of the journey or pilgrimage, that got me to where I am now, which I know sounds cliché, but it’s true. It was just one bright spot in a long line of darkness, but it was enough to get me started. Just two weeks later I was sick with tonsillitis, I was freezing my tail off in an apartment that was 7 degrees Fahrenheit at one point, I was binge watching Lost (how appropriate) and THEN my apartment flooded for the time ever. This I soon found was going to be the norm of 2016.
Fast forward to this week last year (the week of August 20th – August 28th) when another series of unfortunate events just came one right after the other. Beginning with a little shock, then a lot of chicken pox, and then the most devastating loss I had experienced to date. It was a hard week.
Fast forward two months later and I’m moving back to Texas with a million questions, NO answers and a spirit that was just barely hanging in there. Everything made me cry, I felt so tired. I don’t know how to accurately express or convey that kind of tired I felt. I’m sure some of you who attempt to read this (I bet Nicole won’t cause I already have way too many words 😉 haha) will know what I’m talking about because I’m sure you’ve experienced it yourself at some point in time. But I just seriously couldn’t take anymore… and then the election happened. And regardless of who you voted for, I think we can all say that we were shocked by the conversations people were having with each other, the way people were treating each other and the things we all came up with to justify everything we said and did.
For weeks after I felt this sense of hopelessness that I had never felt before. I was overwhelmed with feelings of why and what’s the point. Why even try to make the world a better place? What’s the point of trying to teach or talk or stand up or sit down? Why even bother… BUT even in that, what I would consider to be THE darkest season of MY life there was a piece of me that knew it would get better, that knew it would get brighter. A piece of me that continued to find my Bella Luce everywhere I could. 2017 was on the horizon and I knew January 1st was going to greet me with open arms and LOTS of light.
Some of my crazy beautiful and wonderful friends of mine rung in the New Year together saying “#$%* You 2016” and literally wrote things down on the most elegant paper Dylan could find and burned the bad of 2016 in a fire pit in my backyard.
For me, January 1 was not just a symbolic new start. It was LITERALLY day one of letting go of all those things I burned in the fire. Day one of putting some walls up around parts of my heart that needed to be guarded and day one of rediscovering the hopefulness that I was accustomed to.
Today is the anniversary of the day my BELOVED (and I put that in all caps for extra emphasis) Aunt Joanie left this planet. All week I’ve been thinking about where I was this time last year, all the things I was feeling and where I’ve “been” this week. So many of things I was seeking so fervently last year have come to fruition and my soul is so full. I just thought I should share that. Even on a day like today where there is a Category 4 Hurricane banging around outside and my body hurts from traveling 1500+ miles in 5 days. I am so grateful and thankful for where I was this time last year and where I am now. I have the best family and friends who love me and encourage me, who put up with me and challenge me, who have supported me and looked out for me. There have been so many moments that I’ve wanted to tell my Aunt Joanie about, so many stories I know she would have wanted to hear. Like the one about me traveling 1500+ miles with my crazy family to the path of totality for the Solar Eclipse of 2017.
What a week it’s been … What a year it’s been …#whatawonderfulworld
And the songs I’m going to leave you with tonight, are the three songs that were on my heart this time last year. The first two because she asked me to sing them at her funeral and the last one because it’s all I could listen to over and over and over again when she died.
It Is Well With My Soul – Audrey Assad (version)
Because He Lives – David Crowder (acoustic version)
Nobody Knows – The Lumineers
a spoonful of sugar & a grain of salt 